It’s no secret that I live for a modern adaptation of a classic. The Patricinhas of Beverly Hills? Yes please. She is the man? I die! 10 things I hate about you? I wish there were eleven or twelve things! When it comes to Dakota Johnson’s remake of Jane Austen’s final novel, Persuasion, for Netflix, I still haven’t made up my mind. In an effort to do this, please find below all the thoughts I had while watching. Persuasionin chronological order.
1. Green open field! I’m already down.
2. Oh God, I forgot the dialogue is “up to date”, so we hear things like, “Now I’m single and prosperous.”
3. Sorry, but Bridget Jones no longer exists?
4. God, I love Richard E. Grant.
5. Austen is very good at raising a conceited, arrogant parent.
6. I should buy some oil paintings of myself.
7. Was everyone in Austen-era England constantly carrying a rabbit?
8. Being perfectly honest, I played Neopets and watched America’s Next Top Model instead of finishing this book in high school, but I’m realizing that Anne (Johnson) is still not over her ex-boyfriend, Wentworth.
9. I’m really distracted by a particularly beautiful piece of lobster decor, but I gather the family is moving to Bath to cut back on finances.
10. “If you are a five in London, you are a ten in Bath.” Noted!
11. For me, they look at the camera too much. What is it, The Office?
12. “A wife without a husband is not a problem to be solved.” Why does it feel like some people still need to hear this in 2022?
13. Brilliant Horses!
14. I really identify with Anne’s other sister, who insists that she is dying when she is clearly well.
15. Whoops, dinner with Wentworth on the way.
16. “The thing about me is that I’m an empath,” announces Anne’s sister Mary. This is giving me Catherine Cohen vibes!
17. Has my girl just spilled a tureen of something red and dirty on her head?
18. Oh no, Wentworth is flirting with another girl, Anne’s sister-in-law!
19. Oh my God, they’re totally dancing together – aka Austen’s equivalent of sex.
20. Does Wentworth rescue Anne from… being beaten with clubs by her nephews?
21. Oh no, Anne’s sister-in-law Louisa, who is really nice, is falling for Wentworth, and Anne is clearly sick of it.
22. Oh, okay, so the whole Anne thing is that she’s critical and distant, like Darcy (crossover!), and Wentworth is talking shit to her about it.
23, I just want to be dressed in linen walking up and down the English coast! Why is this so difficult?
24. Look, new guy on the scene. What’s up, Captain Harville?
25. Wentworth is unpleasant.
26. If I were in charge of this movie, I would have Taylor Swift release a capsule album with it.
27. Truly beautiful the scene of Anne swimming in her dress at dusk. More of this please!
28. Look, another new guy on the scene. And this time, it’s Henry Golding!
29. Not every man has the jaw to pull off a top hat.
30. I’d like to take his top hat off, if you know what I mean.
31. Oh my God no, Louisa got hurt!
32. Anne is back with her terrible family 🙁
33. Henry Golding, aka Mr. Elliot is there too!
34. God, this man was made to be cast in an Austen adaptation.
35. Dakota on beret alert!
36. Thinking fondly of the two months of 2021 when I tried to get the beret back.
37. Oh God, Louisa and Wentworth are engaged!
38. Louisa’s accident made Mary “realize how important it is to spend time away from her kids,” and somewhere my mom is cheering.
39. Right, Anne and Wentworth end up together in the end. Unfair to Henry Golding, frankly!