In an interview with Martha Debail in W, Tere Diaz, family and couples psychotherapist, specialist in personal development. book author How to distinguish a moron? And Why do we lie to each other if we love each other?
GI: @terediazsendra // Internet: www.terediaz.com//
Washington: 56 3093 8038 and 55 3920 6004 // Internet: firstname.lastname@example.org
Celebrity Age Differences (First is the oldest)
● Priyanka Chopra (actress) and Nick Jonas (singer), 10 years
● Ellen DeGeneres (comedian) and Portia DeRossi, 15 years old.
● Al Pacino (actor) and Nur Alfallah, 54.
● Madonna (singer) and Josh Popper (boxer), 35 years old.
● Cher (singer) and Alexander Edwards (rapper), 40 years old.
● Michael Douglas (actor) and Catherine Zeta-Jones (actress), 25 years old.
● George Clooney (actor) and Amal Clooney (lawyer), 17 years old.
● Harrison Ford (actor) and Calista Flockhart (actress), 22 years old.
● Holland Taylor (actress) and Sarah Paulson (actress), 31 years old.
A few years ago, it wasn’t strange for young women to marry older men to “take care” of them, but that changed when the ability to make mate choices based on desire and love became the norm.
Today, it is permitted to fall in love with anyone, anytime, however you like, so it is common to see couples who differ in race, class, religion, and sexual orientation, relationships that would previously not only be impossible, but also frowned upon. . The age difference is no exception.
For some reason – and not wanting to rock the crowd – it’s hard to maintain very long-term relationships at this moment in history, and even so, society insists on “evicting” chronologically distant couples.
● Give and ask for protection. Our childhood stories, with their flaws and exuberance, have many twists and turns, and yes, we might be looking for someone older because part of what we need is a father to take care of us or a mother to take care of us.
● It is not a sin to seek protection, peace, experience and wisdom in a relationship, someone who gives us security in the face of life.
● Couple stories invite us to heal our first love: the love of our primary caregivers. This is not true? If this decision comes from awareness, and not from dependence and despair, a choice can be made that, in addition to covering the past, generates good love.
● Economic stability. And what is so serious about looking for someone with sufficient economic stability – not to depend (carefully!) – but to add up? Really do not want to go through material difficulties again, or care about the acquired status.
● It is also legitimate not to want to be a breadwinner and to overburden yourself with financial responsibility. It is worth temporarily recharging a couple in times of economic difficulties, but total economic dependence will give rise to submission and, therefore, less independence, lightness, and in the long term mutual recriminations will reign.
● Youth and general maturity. Sometimes a relationship with a minor reconnects with life and is contagious in spirit and stupor. Similarly, bonding with someone older can bring maturity and experience, as well as a space of solidity and peace.
● The task in both cases will be to achieve a certain compatibility in tastes, interests, common projects, life goals and common ideologies.
● We cannot a priori condemn relationships because of age, it is useful to foresee the future. We naturally change over the years, but the passage of different life cycles further emphasizes the distance of needs, interests and values.
● These differences can be mitigated by working on the psychological mood of lovers: a young, but mentally mature person is better combined with an older person who has a young and cheerful spirit.
● There are also “dubious origin” reasons for living with someone of distant age: the pure desire to still feel wanted, the fear of growing old, the need to validate one’s personal fervor or desire to impress, and the need to grow by leaps and bounds and skipping learning processes are reasons that lead to choosing disparate relationships that portend little success and little satisfaction.
What can’t be forgotten
● Having a partner with a significant age difference is not a moral issue; the ethical issue is the question of who has more power in a relationship.
● There is power, it is not bad in itself; what really has an ethical qualification is the abuse of it.
● And who has more power? A person who has more resources of all kinds – material, social, economic, physical, experiential – (usually an older person), who can therefore enjoy more autonomy, move in more areas of action, including the ability to use or obey a spouse. who has less power.
A person with more resources has more power in a relationship.
● It goes without saying that in a patriarchal society, privileges are granted to men that are denied to women. Therefore, in these relationships, the question of gender is also at stake: in matters of a couple, a woman will be more aesthetically demanding than a man, especially if she is related to a man younger than her.
Gender inequality in couple relationships
● In addition, male conquest is welcome, acquaintance with a younger woman is rewarded, and a woman, “the banner of motherhood and unconditional integrity,” will be considered a pursuer or predator.
The double standard of society in relation to men and women in relationships with a difference in age
● That is why it is much more valuable for a woman to cross gender paradigms and allow herself, without much confusion, prejudice and aesthetic sacrifice, young love in the autumn stage.
Cultural challenge and overcoming prejudice in relationships of couples with a difference in age
● The same applies to the opposite theme: a young woman who is related to an older man with a better social position is usually considered interested and “upward”.
Stigmatization of young women in relationships with older men with a better social position
What can lead to the success of a couple of different ages?
1. Specify what kind of life project you want. And evaluate whether this person is suitable for him. Sometimes the mere fact of wanting or not having children can anticipate a lack of connection. The key is to know if they are looking for a transgressive and different relationship or a project that provides greater emotional security over the long term.
2. Challenge “what they say.” People don’t like things that aren’t “normal”. Graceful handling of criticism and less dependence on the applause of others must give way to the priority of building good love.
3. Manage jealousy. Establishing relationships in what is unique, valuable and irreplaceable, and not in culturally weighted values such as the over-importance of appearance or money.
4. Consider sexual fluctuations, knowing that male sexual activity decreases over time, while female tends to increase. Which in the case of an older woman with a younger man can be a plus in a relationship.
5. Harmonize disparities in needs, in the ability to take risks, and in the intensity of pursuing dreams and goals. The difference in age is compensated by the achievement of psychological intimacy between lovers without violating their own integrity. A flexible approach to tastes (rather than needs) and meanings (rather than social demands) will keep one from revolving around the life of the other.
6. Prepare economically, psychologically, emotionally and socially for the future.
The disparate choice of couples can exacerbate their difficulties if it is not made on the basis of awareness, mutual attraction and a sincere decision. On the contrary, aligning interests and goals, and working on personal maturity makes it easier to enjoy and persevere in such a relationship.